The Other Shoe

 

One of the lingering affects of going through the health crisis with my son is a periodic feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. If I’m honest about it, and why not be honest after all that is why I’m sharing, it appears to me that this fear of something bad looming just out of sight didn’t actually start with my son’s health crisis; that situation only served to escalate my feelings. As I look back over my childhood, it is apparent that this “other shoe” mentality was

Peer Pressure

***My hope is that this post will help parents and caregivers better understand the role that peer pressure can play in an adolescent’s mental health crisis***

One of the most startling experiences during my son’s mental health crisis was the realization that within his adolescent peer group, mental illness is often viewed as a type of “club”.

As I began to move through the beginning stages of my son’s crisis, the first treatment program he was admitted to was Partial Hospitalization. This program consisted of day treatments in a hospital setting and allowed my son to come home each night to sleep. During the course of the program, the patients participated in many therapies and programs including: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) groups, family groups, and art projects. They were also able to complete their school assignments so that they did not slip behind in their course work.

Every morning, I’d drive my son to the Behavioral Health building at the local hospital and every afternoon I’d pick him up. Once or twice per week, we would have a treatment team meeting and review his progress, concerns or challenges and next steps for treatment.

There were rules in place at Partial for the safety of the adolescents participating in the program. There was to be no contact outside of Partial. No exchanging phone numbers, Facebook friending or other social media contact exchanges. And yet, within a day or so, my son was coming home with phone numbers written on his arms and hands. He also was accepting new “friend” requests on Facebook at a surprising pace, especially since he wasn’t an avid Facebook user up to this point. While it was alarming that the participants were so blatantly ignoring the rules, as my son justified the friendships, I wondered what the big deal really was.

Then I found a piece of paper folded up under the couch in our family room. Type written along the top of the page was “How to cut”. As I read on, I found that it was an instruction sheet on how to self harm by cutting including specific information on where to cut if one didn’t want to get caught, how deep to cut so as not to risk serious injury and what medical supplies should be stocked just in case the cutting went too deep or bled too much. What??? I was very alarmed. My head was spinning. I was confused. I could not figure out why someone from the program would be providing instructions on how to self-harm. In my naïve thought process, I assumed these teens would all have a vested interest in helping and supporting each other in a positive way. Boy was I wrong!

Over the next several weeks, the situation began to unfold at a rapid pace. Not only were the adolescents in the program (and eventually, “friends” made during inpatient as well) sharing self harming instructions but they were also, for lack of better definition, in a bit of a competition with each other. Comparing the proverbial “badges earned” based on the number of hospitalizations, types of medications, runaway escapades and even suicide attempts. In a way, encouraging each other to try harder to fit into the “club”.

Shortly after my son’s second inpatient hospitalization, I found that he was part of a closed/private Facebook Group dedicated to his “Hospital Family”. The intention of the group was to stay in touch with each other after discharge, to find out who was going back into the hospital, and to share and compare experiences without the watchful eyes of their parents or caregivers. It was also a place where normal teenage anxiety collided with mental health challenges and resulted in a shit storm of drama, police involvement and angst that only amplified the imbalance of an already challenging equilibrium.

Much of my son’s interaction with these peers ended shortly after his suicide attempt; at that point he was admitted into residential facilities for more than six months which resulted in lost contact with many “friends” in this group. I’m not certain if he tried to re-engage after his transition home but he was on a different path at that point and may have recognized the importance of continuing to focus on his wellness.

While this is not occurring in every instance, it is imperative for parents and caregivers to be aware and on the lookout for cases where peer pressure is influencing behaviors. Many teens who seek mental health treatment don’t feel that they fit in anywhere among the “standard” peer groups. Even though it’s very unhealthy, many of these teens are drawn to what feels like like-minded friends found within this alliance. Feeling as though they have finally found a place where they fit in, they’re unable to understand or see the risk or danger that this situation can put them in.

*********

Please feel free to email me your thoughts, comments or questions to farfromparadiseblog@gmail.com.

If you like this blog post, please consider signing up to follow my posts via email and feel free to share with your friends!

I’m also on Twitter @farfrmparadise

 

 

The Stigma: Blame, Shame and Secrecy

In my experience, I have found there to be a negative social stigma associated with mental illness and it is a stigma ladened in blame, shame and misperceptions. I have also found there to be a real lack of formal support for those dealing with or supporting others through a mental illness crisis.

One of the first challenges that I encountered when my son was hospitalized was how others received the news of the situation.  It was somewhat surprising to me that mental illness was viewed differently than other life threatening illnesses. There was a true obvious discomfort felt from many who were privy to our situation and even more than that; there was a silence that was deafening.The truth is that most people don’t know how to respond or react to mental illness.

There is also a significant amount of blame that comes with a mental illness diagnosis. Yes, people blame. With mental illness blame is prevalent and directed both inwardly and outwardly because there is a misconception that someone or something must be the cause. When the diagnosis is mental illness, many times parents blame each other. The doctors, therapists and outsiders tend to suspect the parents are to blame. Often families go searching for the culprit and behind the scenes, many parents deeply blame themselves; there seems to be more than enough blame to go around.

In my personal story, I found myself caught off guard with the sudden onset of my son’s illness and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how it could have happened, what I had done or contributed to cause it and how I could make it better. Even though I had been there for my son, supported, loved, cheered on, celebrated and actively parented him, it still took me some time before I could stop pointing the finger at myself.

What made it more challenging was that when I went searching for support, there was little to be found. I really found this disheartening, especially because as I sat in Emergency rooms, waiting rooms and program assessments, I saw so many parents, many who seemed to be in the same emotional state as me, and I couldn’t understand why there weren’t more support options available. I kept feeling that personally it would help so much if I could talk with other parents who were going through similar experiences. Yet no one was talking. I reached out through my personal support circles and a few times felt that I was close to finding someone who understood what I was going through, to talk with. Each time a possible contact was identified, the answer that came back was “no”. One response that truly drove home my understanding of the secrecy surrounding mental illness came from an acupuncturist who was trying to help connect me with another client, “I asked my client, who is having a similar experience to yours, if she would want to meet for coffee to talk, but she said no, she doesn’t talk about her situation openly, in fact even her close friends do not know”

This is not something that we should go through alone and living in secrecy about the situation hurts everyone. If you are dealing with a mental health situation, it is imperative that you create a support “group” around you. I found that while I didn’t find much support with those experiencing my same situation, it was very helpful and healing to find support through talk therapy, healing modalities such as acupuncture or massage and focusing on finding fun each day, even if for small moments. I also found that exercise, for me yoga and running, were and are extremely helpful in keeping me healthy given the circumstances.

Telling my story is very healing and finding those who are willing to hear it is critical. Sometimes, I tell my story even when it makes others uncomfortable because it needs to be told.

There are a few support organizations that I am aware of that do provide specific support for families experiencing a mental illness crisis. Nationally, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) http://www.nami.org can help you find local support groups in your area. Also, city/state government have Office of Mental Health (OMH) organizations that can be a good resource. Services and agencies appear to differ by State and county. (USA based information)

For more information on specific resource ideas or for a safe place to share your story, please email me at FarFromParadiseblog@gmail.com